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8th-Jul-2010 06:12 pm(no subject)
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me?
And just forget the world

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
1st-Jul-2010 08:40 pm(no subject)
To "get out there" this fall I intend to

-I'm going to join ASU's Student Association of Social Workers
-I am going to attend classes that the fitness centers on campus offer. Not all of them of course, but maybe I could find a work-out buddy. Hey, it will give me more motivation to work out too.
-I am going to try and be semi-active in a church or the Wesley foundation. I have such mixed feelings about church, but I have been having the urge to give it another try.

I don't think it will all work out, but I am going to give it a try. I will also be a supervisor at work, which will give me more hours than I'm used to. I will also still be in Gamma Beta Phi and will have to do volunteer hours. I will still be doing an assistantship with a professor and this semester will be much more intense with that. Finally, I will be applying to grad school. Yeah, I'm gonna be busy.
27th-Jun-2010 12:07 pm(no subject)
I am going to begin to make new goals for myself. I'm not sure what they all will be yet but I have some ideas right now.

I'm going back to Boone either tomorrow or the next day. It's going to be so hard to be by myself in my apartment.
#1 goal- Learn to be content being by myself. Get comfortable being the the apartment by myself. Learn to be more independent.
#2 goal-Make time to have fun. After being with my friends last night I realized I had just forgotten how to let loose and have fun. I don't want to be so serious all the time.
26th-Jun-2010 06:06 pm(no subject)
Today was my 21st birthday.

It's been a hard day to get through.
25th-Jun-2010 09:36 pm(no subject)
Taylor and I broke up.

I don't to write about details. Maybe that will come later. Main point is. I am okay. We're kind of in a separation, so we could get back together at the end of the summer, and we could stay apart. I'm not exactly sure what I want yet. I know that I still love him, even in ways I thought were fading.
13th-May-2010 11:52 pm(no subject)
Just a quote that I would like to remember that I probably shouldn't post on facebook because family will see.

"I just figure no one knows more about crazy people than I do. I was raised by them. I am one of them." (Brenda) from Six Feet Under

It's about her intentions to become an MSW, just like me.
29th-Apr-2010 08:26 pm(no subject)
It's exam time, and whenever I start to study, I start dreaming. I just want to get all these dreams and wants out.

I want to get married. I live it. I breathe it. I think about it every day. I know Taylor is the man I want to be with forever. He is so wonderful. I really get my happy ending with him. I put a lot of pressure on him, though. Sorry about that Taylor. We have been looking at engagement rings. I am not expecting it any time soon because we are both so broke but gosh if I don't dream about it. I told him this week I was sorry for talking about it so much that I was really happy with just the way things are. (and I am). Then he says, well, I don't like hearing you say you are single anymore. Eh, you had to be there. I tease him all the time that I am actually single, I file single on taxes and all that.

I want babies. It must be the hormones. It must be instinct. It must be young-adult female nature to just yearn for babies. I really don't want my body and vagina to be ruined over a baby but...that's nothing to be able to have a baby. I think I will look absolutely adorable with a pregnant belly.

Not only do I want a baby. I want the baby to be able to have most of my time it's first year at least. I want to have a baby and not be in school or in a full time job. I want my baby to have every opportunity. I want the cutest nursery. I want all the cute baby clothes. (I think another reason I dream about this so much is because I work in a children's clothing store all the time and see all these cute baby clothes and pregnant women.)

I want my children to one day be proud to call me their mother. I want Taylor to be proud to call me his wife. I want to be a college graduate. I want to have a job where I help people and make a difference. I want to be successful.

Taylor and I were looking at houses in Western North Carolina and dreaming a little bit last week. We found these amazing farm houses at a reasonable price in Black Mountain. It's about 25 minutes away from downtown Asheville. By the way..Asheville and Charlotte have the highest paying social work jobs. I am definitely NOT living in Charlotte and I really want to be in a rural area.

I want to spend summer days outside with my husband and my children. I want my children to make mudpies instead of play video games. I want to have a garden in my back yard. I want us to be resourceful and healthy.

I feel that I am changing and my brother and his family are distancing themselves from me. We are very different. They didn't even graduate high school. Maybe my mom is right and they are intimidated by me. I want to be close with them. I want my niece and nephew to be close to and love my children one day. I want to be an influence in their lives. I know this wish is the least possible one and it makes me very sad.

I keep thinking about the future a lot. What I want right now? To be happy this summer. To spend time outside having fun with Taylor. To become closer with my family. To work hard and make a lot of money! I want motivation to study for these exams!
19th-Apr-2010 04:15 pm(no subject)
Okay, so I have never needed to journal as much as I do now. Well, maybe that is an exaggeration but things are still really overwhelming right now.

First off, this has been the busiest 2 weeks I have ever had in my life. I have had a few 18 hour days and I really don't remember a day I have had where I haven't had to either go into work, go to school, or have to travel somewhere, or all 3! It is definitely taking its toll.

So I went to Chapel Hill on Friday to visit Carolina's school of Social Work. This has been my dream for about a year. I found out that only 24% of people admitted are coming straight from undergraduate schooling. They prefer work experience. I am volunteering and plan on volunteering A LOT this summer but I don't know whether it is going to be enough. The median age is 28..I'm 20. The median GPA is 3.4. Mine is a 3.26. I have no idea what my GRE scores on. I thought I was absolutely going to get in. It's the #8 ranked school of social work in the COUNTRY. No other school in the state comes close. The campus is amazingly beautiful. I want to go so bad I can't stand it. What if I don't get in? What the HELL am I going to do?

Taylor wants to go to ECU for grad school. ECU has an M.S.W. program. If we both go to ECU, (which I would kind of like to do in a way to be near the beach), then I would be away from my father. No one has told me but I think that he is not going here at most..like..a few more years. I want to be able to see him while I can. If Taylor got into ECU I would obviously go but it's going to be hard to be so far away.

Actually, this leads to another thought I have been having lately. I used to not want to get married until my dad died, because I was so embarrassed of him and I was afraid he would ruin the wedding. Now, after he has been hospitalized and has been having so much trouble, I am worried that he won't be at my wedding. I do want him to be the one to give me away, even if he does embarrass me.

Now this leads to the next thing. If I don't get into Carolina, should I start working and get experience or go to another grad school? First of all, Taylor and I have been talking a lot about getting married lately. We both want to do it within the next 2-4 years. What if I start working and we get married and I get pregnant? I already have baby fever. Birth control is not 100% effective and I'm afraid we are just biding our time until it happens. I don't know why getting married really matters but I guess I mean the longer we're together the greater the chance there is that something like that would happen. I don't want to make it so hard to go back to school.

I don't know what to do! I wish I could just make all the perfect decisions and everything would turn out great.

This all is constantly in my head and I am trying to get presentations and projects done and study for finals. This semester could potentially boost my GPA up to a 3.4.

Just...What should I do.
28th-Mar-2010 05:25 pm(no subject)
I have been pretty happy lately. Right now I'm not having such a good day but overall things have been good lately. I haven't really had time to have a bad day. I like being really busy in a way but it is soo wearing after a while.

Here's what's up today. Taylor and I went down to his parents' house yesterday and spent the night there. I worked all day yesterday and had to come back up this morning to be at work at 11. I don't know if it was the rainy weather or I was starting to PMS or what but I got bothered by people at work..people were just especially rude today. Also, people can't seem to communicate well. Like, they will speak to me in a voice I cannot hear and then get mad because I ask them to repeat themselves. Or, I will get someone who just says "dressing room." Not, "hi, I would like to get into the dressing room, thanks." I would even take a "Can I get into the dressing room?" Learn how to speak in complete sentences people. Just because I work in retail does not mean I have an IQ of 3.

Then there's the getting of telephone numbers business. I have to ask everyone for their phone number. If I don't get enough numbers, along with names and addresses or emails each week then I get written up. I absolutely hate having to ask. I, myself would not want someone asking me tons of personal questions just so I could buy a shirt. Anyway, people are really rude about that. I quite often get. "YOU DO NOT need that." Can you just say no thanks? I really think people find secret enjoyment in tearing up folded clothes and being rude to people when they know they can get away with it.

It just really bothered me how rude people can be today. So, my boss notices that I am not happy and she asks what's wrong. So I tell her. Then she gets mad at me for calling the customers rude while out on the floor. Yeah, it wasn't the smartest thing for me to do, but she asked! Oh yeah, and my boss is also starting to really irritate me. She has this favorite coworker and they go and talk while I handle all of the customers. I hate working with them both!

I hate my job. I would love to find a job in a daycare or housekeeping and then graduate and finally have a REAL job. I am wondering though..being a counselor..when I see my clients being rude an stupid, is it going to bother me much? Well..I know it is, so how will I be able to deal with it better?

Well, from now until school is out is seems like every second is important. I have so much due! Also, I am going away every weekend in April. I am going home next weekend for Easter, home the next weekend for my niece's sleepover birthday party. I am going to Chapel Hill the next weekend to look at UNC's School of Social Work, then the next weekend my cousin is coming to spend the weekend. I haven't seen her since I was 12. Her mom and my mom had a falling out over money and yeah. That will be awkward, but exciting.

I am also getting discouraged that I'm not losing weight. I have been working out like crazy and gaining weight! I have not really been dieting though. As soon as I think I am on a diet I will eat like 5 pizzas and 2 gallons of ice cream. I would like, for just once to have a flat belly before I get married and have a baby belly!

I hope writing has helped. I am trying to do an assignment but I can't concentrate. I am just so overwhelmed by all I have to get done and want to get done. I think I'm getting burned out of school and summer break will be needed SO much.
18th-Mar-2010 04:55 pm(no subject)
I can see the sun here finally, if for only one day. I needed spring break so much it was unbelievable. I didn't realize how much I missed my family. It was good to get away from the stress of being in this drug-addled apartment complex. Now I'm back and trying to work hard in school. Turns out I barely passed by 2nd biological psychology test and make a 76 on my political science test. I wanted to make all A's! Looks like that's not going to happen.

I don't really feel like going into details on my life right now. I always write when I really don't have time to. I started writing again because I wanted to look back on the experiences I am having right now. Hopefully I'll have time sometime soon.
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